Recipe For Suicide

This is going to be more like a journal entry than a blog. I have a lot inside me that I need to get out, and this is the best medium for it.

  Night before last my daughter got a call from her best friend. She started the conversation out with, "Well, I drank a lot of bleach, some hydrogen peroxide and took a bunch of pills." My daughter broke down crying because she thought she was getting a 'good bye' call. Her friend was actually in the hospital and being treated. Her friend is only 13 years old! This child is also like a second daughter to me. She has spent half the summer vacation at our house. 

   What could cause this baby to do this? I put the blame squarely on her parent's shoulders. Her mother and father divorced a couple of years ago. Her father was into internet porn and was messing around. "Alice" (not the child's real name, but what I will call her) found out and told her mom. During the divorce, her dad told her it was all her fault it was happening. Alice, her mother and her younger brother moved into their grandma's house, which was right next door to where we lived. They were there for several months until grandma got a new boyfriend and kicked them all out. 

   They moved into a garage apartment right next door to grandma. Turns out grandma's new boyfriend was a creep who was a member of several swingers sites on the internet. That's two places Alice had to move out of in just a few short months. Alice's mother has always shown more love and affection to the little brother as well. All she does is berate Alice and shows her no support at all. She uses the kids to hurt her ex-husband. He actually mended the fences with Alice and is a better parent than her mother. 

   Whenever Alice, her mother and brother go anywhere, they always have to do what the little brother want, and never what Alice wants. She won't even take Alice shopping in some stores because they have nothing that would fit her. She does everything she can to knock this child down. When Alice decided to go vegetarian, like my daughter, the mother wouldn't buy her anything she could eat for a while. She would tell her there's a can of mixed vegetables in the cupboard, that's good enough for your dinner. When she finally did start buying her vegetarian food, she would eat it before Alice could. 

   Her mom bought a house and things got worse from there. Alice ended up being a cutter because of all the stress and pressure on her. Instead of getting her help, her mom would make self harm jokes in front of her. Not cool!! A couple of months ago, mom got a new boyfriend, that's when things really spiraled out of control. The mom was so desperate to have a man in her life that she started ignoring her kids to be with this man. Alice doesn't like him and her mom gets mad at her about it. He said he didn't like their cats in the house, so mom threw them outside. He still wasn't happy about that, so mom took two of them and dropped them off somewhere. All she told Alice was that they were gone. Alice had had these cats for years, they were her babies.  new boyfriend was also in Alice's room while she wasn't there, when she told her mom she didn't like that. mom took new boyfriends side. Of course. 

   Mom is even ignoring little brother now. Whenever he tries to get in her lap (He's 6 now) or snuggle beside her on the couch, she tells him to go away and leave her alone. She even told Alice once if she has anymore problems with the new boyfriend, she wouldn't be allowed to back over here. That really made me and my daughter mad. The other day, they had a mother/daughter day planned. well, new boyfriend showed up and guess what didn't happen? Yep, she chose new boyfriend over daughter, again. Later, she went through her daughter's phone and called several of her friends and blessed them out over some of the conversations they had through texting. I know this child, and it couldn't have been that bad. It was right after that, when she tried to commit suicide. 

   Alice called my daughter from the hospital yesterday and told her some things that made me want to take her mom in a headlock and pound the crap out of her. Alice asked her mom that if she dies will she go to Hell now. Her mother told her yes. WTF???? Grandma also came for a visit and told her that if she had died, she would be responsible for her mother having a heart attack and dieing too. Double WTF?? 

   There have been a lot more incidences that I really can't remember right now, but this child has a very miserable life. When she is here, I try to take them places, and do things with them. She told me once they we do more and go more places without a car then she and her mom do with a car. I've taken them downtown, to the park, to the big library downtown,  to a free concert downtown, and several different other places. We had one day where I let Alice pick what we did. She isn't stressed when she is with us. She even tells me she loves me all the time. She's a great kid, straight A student and never gets in trouble at school. 

  She is being moved to a mental hospital this afternoon and probably won't be allowed to have visitors for a couple of days. As soon as we get the green light. I am going to take my daughter to go see her. I need to see her as well. I have cried a lot over the past few days, and my heart feels so heavy right now. This baby could have died because her mother chooses her own happiness over her children. I do not like the word 'hate', but right now i have nothing but hate for her mom. 

   Parents. please cherish your children, support them and love them. Let them know they can count on you to be there for them. You never know what tomorrow may bring.

This is from http://jasonfoundation.com

Youth Suicide Statistics

• Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for ages 10-24. (2010 CDC WISQARS)
• Suicide is the THIRD leading cause of death for college-age youth and ages 12-18. (2010 CDC WISQARS)
• More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease, COMBINED.
• Each day in our nation there are an average of over 5,400 attempts by young people grades 7-12.
• Four out of Five teens who attempt suicide have given clear warning signs
• The Youth Risk Behavioral Surveillance System (YRBS) is a survey, conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, that includes national, state, and local school-based representative samples of 9th through 12th grade students. The purpose is to monitor priority health risk behaviors that contribute to the leading causes of death, disability, and social problems among youth in the United States.
• The surveys are conducted every two years to determine the prevalence of these health risk behaviors. Behaviors that contribute to unhealthy lifestyles and those that indicate possible depression and/or suicidal ideation are included. Click here for the full report

Lost in a Green Fog

Hello everyone!!
    Last time I told you something terrible that happened to my Mom..now I'm going to tell you about something terrible my mom did to me. Before I get started, I want to let you know that I have three younger sisters and one younger brother. I have a million stories about them as well. I will introduce you to one of them in my next blog.  Here we go:

Way back in the stoned ages when I was a young teenager, we had a Kroger's down the street from us. Mom liked to go shopping late at night when it wasn't crowded. We're talking 11:00 to Midnight. Have you ever been in Kroger's at that time of night back in the 70's? Talk about your Zombie Apocalypse! Just about everyone in there at that time was there just to grab a cart full of munchies.  It was like walking into the set of Night of the Living Dead. Me, being the oldest of the bunch, was the designated co-shopper. I went with Mom every week to weave our way around the aisles and zombies.  
Anyway, we went through the store loading the cart with the weeks groceries, five kids and two adults consume a lot of groceries so we had a big cart full of food.  We finally get all our supplies loaded in the cart and make our way to the check-out line. We are standing there patiently waiting our turn  to be checked out. There are several people ahead and behind us. At that time of night they only had one cashier working. So, we're standing there and all of a sudden Mom says "Here you pay for it, I will go get the car." and she throws her billfold at me (this was before the days of the debit card) and leaves the store. There are about three people in front of me about about that many behind me. 
I'm standing there thinking that Mom had lost her mind, why didn't she wait till we were checking out to go get the car, besides we had parked really close to the front doors. So I'm wondering about Mom's sanity when a slow moving green fog starts to form around me. I freeze up and start to turn red. OH GOD! She had farted and left me to take the blame!  The people around me started to choke and gag, I think that one fart took out at least three zombies! The person behind me dropped their hand held basket and ran out the door shouting something abut the tribulation had begun!! I was dumb struck, I had lost the power of speech. The brave ones who stayed were giving me the evil eye and muttering prayers.  I started to put our groceries on the conveyor belt like nothing was wrong. The cashier went into overdrive ringing our things up. This was also before the scanners we have now, everything had to be punched in on the register. I don't know if he got all the prices right or not because his eyes were watering like nothing I had ever seen before. He gave me the total and I gave him money. He threw my change at me and just pointed at the door. 
My face was so red I'm surprised it didn't burst into flames!   When I got to the car, mom looked at me all innocent and said, "Did everything go ok?" I was way too young to tell her what was really on my mind. 
This is one that she still laughs about today. Me? I think I developed PTSD from this. I, to this day, cannot walk into a Kroger's without a feeling of dread coming over me. 

Hope you enjoyed it.

Loving Lucas and Living With Autism

My nephew, Lucas, has severe autism. He turned 12 this past December, and is still not talking. He can say a few things but cannot carry on a conversation. He was seven or eight before he was patty trained. He still doesn't keep his clothes on when he's at home. Before Lucas came along, I did not have a very clear picture as to what autism is. I thought it made kids sit and stare into space while rocking back and forth all day. Boy! was I wrong. 

Lucas was a very handsome little red headed baby when he was born, he's my sister's youngest out of three, all boys. Lucas was developing normally up until he was 18 months old. That seems to be the 'magic' number for autistic children. That is when the signs start showing up. He was talking and counting and just being a normal little 1 1/2 year old little boy. It seems he started going backwards at that point. He stopped talking and he wouldn't respond to you like he did before. He started to develop a far off stare and would no longer make eye contact with anyone. My sister didn't notice it like the rest of the family did, we had a feeling something was wrong, but my sister wouldn't listen. She finally noticed it and took him to be tested, the results came back as autism. Our lives took a whole different direction after that. Her husband left her and filed for divorce, we found out this is common with families of special need children. 

She was left to raise three boys by herself. Their dad still came around, but not like he should. He didn't pick the boys up a lot of the time he was supposed to. he caused a lot of stress for my sister as well. This really isn't about him though, so, back to Lucas. Lucas has taught me a lot in the 12 years he's been in my life. He's taught me patients, understanding and above all, extra special love for special needs children. Used to be, when I saw a kid throwing a temper tantrum in the store or other public place, my first thought was that brat need his butt spanked. Now I automatically think, that poor mom, she's going through a lot. See, autistic children can't let you know what's wrong with them, they can't let you know when they want or need something. They can get overloaded and have a meltdown, and nothing can stop it once it starts. 

They get very frustrated and let you know by the only means they have, a meltdown. Once we were in the store and Lucas started having a meltdown, an old man walked by us and I heard him mumble 'Brat' under his breath. I forgot all my manners and lit into that old man. I told him my nephew was not a brat, he's autistic and to get his facts straight before he judges someone. he turned red and and walked off. My sister didn't hear him, but she sure looked up when I started yelling. I will defend that boy with my last breath! As I would with any other special needs child! 

Lucas like to line things up and look at them. I like to aggravate him sometimes, and knock them over. He will blow breath out and say "Oh MAN!" and line them up again exactly the way he had them the first time. I'll only do it to him once, sometimes he will give me a little grin when I do it. He knows I'm not being mean, I'm just playing. He can take a joke.

There are some placed we can't take him to eat, if the background noise bothers him, he gets nervous and starts to have a meltdown. We have had to leave a few places before we even ordered our food. he has gotten a little better since he's a little older now. He can accept some situations better than he could a few years ago. For those of you who are friends with me on FB, this is why I post a lot about autism. I have spent a lot of time at my sisters and have been around Lucas more than I have my other nieces and nephews. He has a very safe and secure place in the center of my heart. He is Autistic, he is Lucas, he is Awesome!!!

I love you Lucas!!!

This is going to be more about my Grandpa than my Grandma, they divorced when I was little so my stories about them will be separate

My Grandpa was, in my opinion, a fantastic grandparent. He lived on a farm and boarded horses for different people. He lived there with his second wife, and I thought she was great as well. She taught me how to play Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater on the piano that she had. I would spend time with them during the summers and sometimes on the weekends. I always had fun when I was with them. They had a pretty big place to run around on. She had a grandson who lived up the road, and he was about my age. We used to put a bridal on the horses and go riding sometimes. 

Now, on to Grandpa's story:

Grandma and Grandpa got married kinda late in life, at least for back then anyway. They met when they were teenagers and didn't get married till Grandma was 28. We never understood that until just recently. It seems that Grandpa had always wanted to go and work in Denver. When he was a young fella, he took off and moved there. He found a job and was living his dream. One day he was hitch-hiking either to or from work, don't remember which it was, and two guys picked him up and gave him a ride. 

Supposedly, Grandpa fell asleep in the back seat. While he was 'asleep', the guys who gave him a ride, stopped and robbed a bank. Well, they all got caught and the two guys said Grandpa was the mastermind of the whole thing. Grandpa ended up being a guest at the Colorado State Prison for a while. Actually for most of the late 20's through the early 30's. He found out there was going to be a riot and a breakout and he went and told the Warden about it. he was released early for his own protection. 

Not only was my Grandpa a bank robber, he was a snitch......WOW! They managed to keep this from their kids and grand-kids for decades. None of us knew anything about this until about 20 years ago. My aunt did some research on it and found his mugshot. grandpa died in the 70's so he never knew we found out, neither did grandma, she died in 1991. I miss them both and think about them all the time. I have posted a pic of them before they got divorced, I believe this was in either the 40's or 50.

I have so many stories about my family that I could talk forever about them. Maybe next time I'll introduce you to my Uncle Vernon, grandpa's brother. he was schizophrenic, and thought the CIA, FBI, and the KGB were after him. His story is very interesting as well.

I hope you enjoyed reading this.

HEAT HEAT HOORAY!!

Here is the feel good story of the year. My sister, Nikki, is a single mom raising two boys,  her youngest has severe autism. She works as janitorial staff at a major manufacturing warehouse.  The other night, her heating unit bit the dust. We are in the 20's and 30's for temperatures right now. She asked some of the guys she works with if they knew anything about how to fix it, they didn't. The company they work for has a contract with Lee Company, a local heating and cooling repair company here in Nashville Tennessee.  They called Lee to see if they could come and look at it for her. It's a 21 year old unit and Chad, the service manager, came out and told her it would cost around $2,800 to fix. The igniter switch was shot and there were a few other cracks in it. The worst part was there was carbon monoxide leaking from it. 

My sister was devastated, she doesn't have that kind of money and figured they would be using space heaters for the winter. She thanked Chad for his time, but said she couldn't afford it right now. He said they would figure something out. 

When she went into work this morning, she was called into the office. One of the guy she works with was on the phone and he said, yeah, she's here right now. He handed her the phone and she said, 'Hello". It was Chad from Lee Company. He said he had spoken with the president of the company and they were donating a brand new unit to her. They came out today and installed it for her completely free of charge. 

This is a company that has gone above and beyond in customer service! Because of the angels at this company, my sisters and nephews now have a comfortable house to live in again. From now on, if anyone I know has problems with their heating and air units, i am going to refer them to Lee Company. 

I just want to say a very heartfelt Thank You to them from the bottom of my heart!

A Prayer For Jonathan

This is an original poem by me. 

Hope you like it.

This is an original. I wrote it myself and it won local recognition when I entered it in a contest.


A Prayer For Jonathan

Through all the pain and frustration and despair,
As I desperately struggle for a fresh breath of air.
I search and try to find my way,
Then the dawn rises on yet another lonely day.
I think, maybe this one will be better than the last,
Then I realize it's just a repeat of the past.
How do I go on living now that my hearts forgotten how to laugh?
How much more can I take before my soul breaks in half?
There has to be an answer, a way through this pain,
I've matched tears of sorrow for each drop of rain.
God, his name was Jonathan, and he was the love of my life,
But you called him home before he could make me his wife.
If I pray real hard by day and by night,
Will you lead me from my darkness and into your light?
The raw edges may fade and soften a bit, 
But, I'll hold on to the memories of his humor and wit.
Jonathan, just know that I love you and I always will,
Watch over me from Heaven and know that my love was real.
Goodbye my dear Jonathan, our time time was so sweet,
To love you and hold you was life's greatest treat.
Goodbye Jonathan, I love you.


Hope you like it.

The Day My Mom Came Out Of The Closet.......it isn't what you think

These are stories about my family and they are all true.  I hope you enjoy it.

Back centuries ago when I was 12 or 13, Mom decided we needed to paint the living room. I was ok with it because I was really too young to realize how much work was involved with painting a room. Mom took a couple of days off work to get this project done. She figured two days would be enough. She was almost right. Before I go any further, I know you are asking yourself,'What does painting a living room have to do with someone coming out of a closet?" Stick around, I think you will soon understand.
We took all the furniture out and had our tarps down. Mom taped off the floor boards and removed to outlet covers. We were ready to begin. We started by the door frames ans was just getting to the walls when Mom heard a car pull up in the driveway. "DAMN!" she said. It was her friend Ms. Moore. Mom not wanting to spend the day talking to Ms. Moore, (this lady could talk the warts plum off a frog) told me to tell her that she wasn't home. I said, "OK." Ms. Moore waddled up to the front door and knocked. Mom took off down the hall and hid in the closet (you getting it now?). I cracked the door open just a hair and said hello. Ms. Moore asked if mom was home. I told her she wasn't, I said we are painting the living room and Mom went to get more supplies. Ms. Moore being the epitome of a good friend said, "That's ok, I'll come in and wait for her." and then pushed past me and strode into the living room like she owned the place.
I'm thinking this will only be for a few minutes as I stole a nervous glance down the hall to the closet.
I picked up my paint brush and continued painting. Ms. Moore then  bombarded me with question after question after question. This woman could TALK!. I was trying to ignore her but it was impossible. I was trying real hard not to start laughing or crying. I answered as best I could. I tried to tell he that Mom had several errands to run but she wasn't getting the hint. She was too busy talking to hear what I was mumbling. I resigned myself to the fact that this was going to be a very long afternoon.
At one point she had been talking for so long I started to hallucinate, she disappeared and in her place was a giant pair of red lips on legs. The more she talked the bigger these red lips grew. Did I tell you that this woman could TALK?? She had been there quite a while and Mom must have got a bit of a cramp because we heard something from the hall. "What was that?" the red lips, err, I mean Ms. Moore asked.  We have squirrels in the attic I said. She bought it,,,,she wasn't very bright. I was starting to get antsy, Mom had been in the closet for quite a while now. It was getting to be lunch time and I was hungry and I knew Mom had to be hungry as well.
I said again that Mom had several errands and it could be a while before she gets back. "That's Ok Ms. Lips said, I don't have anything planned for today. GREAT!! JUST GREAT!!. I kept painting she kept talking.
My brain had gone numb, I no longer heard what she was saying, I just mumbled a yes Ma'am every one in a while and kept nodding my head.
Ms. M then asked if we had any coffee, DAMN! I thought.  I told her we didn't have any made. She asked if I'd be a dear and make some. Like a zombie I walked into the kitchen and put the peculator on. She HAS to leave soon I thought! I hoped! I prayed! After the coffee was done I went and fixed us both a cup. I figured that she would drink a cup then leave. Three cups later she was still there. Did I mention that this woman could TALK???
I just about had two walls finished by myself now. I was thinking, was it possible for a 13 year old to have a complete nervous breakdown from being talked to? I was beginning to think so. I saw a movement from the corner of my eye, NO, this is too good to be true! she had reached into her purse and had her keys in her hand.  I dared not breathe.......was she leaving? She said, "I guess I should go it's getting late." I stood in the middle of the room not moving, not breathing, not blinking. I said, "Yeah, looks like Mom had more to do than she thought." Ms. Moore waddled over to the door and put her chubby little hand on the doorknob, THERE IS A GOD, was all I could think. She slowly, ever so slowly turned the knob, then stopped. DAMN! I need to use the bathroom before I leave she said. SO CLOSE, SO VERY CLOSE! She had been there for over two hours so she probably did have to use it, Down the hall, first door to your right I said, the closet was the second door on the right and they were right next to each other.
She went and stayed in there for several minutes. Then to my relief I heard the toilet flush and the water in the sink come on. She came out and said she had enjoyed our visit. I said something like yeah me too or yeah screw you, or something. I mumbled it so low she didn't hear me. She then opened the door, and I almost screamed from the pain of the Sunlight. She waddled down to her car, got in and left. I shut and locked the door.
MOM! She's gone! I yelled down the hall. The closet door busted open with a force you only see in movies. There was a whirl of color, not unlike the Tasmanian Devil from the Buggs Bunny cartoons and then the bathroom door slammed shut. I don't know how you were raised but we were not wealthy enough to have a potty in the closet. Mom had to pee BEFORE she went in, she had been holding it for over two hours. When she finally emerged from the bathroom, she was a sweaty shaking mess.
I went and put on another pot of coffee and I really couldn't help myself. I busted out laughing and it took several minutes for me to pull myself back together. Mom just gave me the evil eye mom look. She knew she couldn't get mad at me because after all, I was just a kid and she's the one that said to tell her she wasn't home. To this day, I still tease mom about that day she came out of the closet.

I hope you enjoyed this little story, I have about a million of them. I'm the oldest of 5 kids so you you know I have plenty to write about. Check back next week if you liked this one and I'll try my best to entertain you with another one.